i want the real deal

lately I think I have been trying to fool myself. I want things like a boyfriend, eventually a husband and a family. I want that man to be godly, generous and submitted to God. All the things that right now, I am not. In fact, I don't really feel like trying to be like that; god has disappointed me and i don't want to put in the work to build that relationship. So I dress well, put on make-up (just in case), help with Sunday school, stand during worship, talk about God in group settings (as long as it doesn't get too personal). The sermon today was about healthy families. The pastor was talking about how we have to prepare for having a healthy family before we even meet someone and when we are healthy spiritually and emotionally God will bring someone alongside us that is as well. Maybe I'm trying to fool God then. It's like serving plastic chicken. i could dress it up, even simulate that great BBQ chicken smell, set the table all nice, follow the recipe but when it comes down to it the chicken is plastic and eventually there will be no covering it up; you'll always get to the part where someone tries to take a bite.

Thats me, the fake chicken. Maybe i could find myself a godly man but it won't take long until he realizes that the christianity is only superficial, that I can talk about God but cringe when asked to talk to him, that I can hear the Bible read to me and take in sermons but squirm when sitting down to read my own. Two lovely ladies at church said they have someone in mind for me (oh don't even get me started on ste-ups, oy) and to let them know when I'm ready. That was more true than they know and it could be a long time.