I am sad that this year is almost done
I am sad that 'twas not my very most fun
I am sad that I'll have to say goodbye
I am sad, so sad I just might cry
I am glad that there'll be no more exams
I am glad that i've avoided eating SPAM
I am glad that travel, I finally will
I am glad, so glad i can't sit still
I am tired of reading my textbooks
I am tired of our drain being clogged by gook (ie. j.well's hair)
I am tired of sitting 'round and studying
I am tired to the point my brain be puddlin'
I'll miss the pile of laundry in my closet,
i'll miss when sarah whistles and ashley doesn't
i'll miss the dirty grey-carpet stairs
I'll miss the comfy rozanski chairs
I'll miss the people that i know
I'll miss the walking to and fro
I'll miss strolling down wineguard
I'll miss the cannon and...crazy people in the UC
Sigh. A poet, I will never be. I was going for a bit of a green eggs and ham thing but I really am sad to be done!
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 4
Friday, February 2
Passing Time
The title is a bit deeper than is warranted.
I keep getting email reminders from the convocation office suggesting that I apply for graduation soon. I have deleted them. Today is Feb. 2 and in six more days I will have let the chance to graduate this summer pass me by. I have all of the classes I need but I am taking a chance that I will get to do an exchange. Maybe it would be better if I were applying to graduate because it would bring some finality to this year and this degree. Just 6 more days to be strong.
Something that I don't like to admit is that I often lack confidence. This morning in Spanish (a class I typically perform well in) I choked, multiple times, even mumbled because I was unsure of my answers. I put so much pressure on myself to do well in that class now that I constantly stumble. I often feel like two different people: one who tries to come off as self-assured with friends and in groups and another who is terribly shy and afraid of making a mistake. I need to take more risks!
I keep getting email reminders from the convocation office suggesting that I apply for graduation soon. I have deleted them. Today is Feb. 2 and in six more days I will have let the chance to graduate this summer pass me by. I have all of the classes I need but I am taking a chance that I will get to do an exchange. Maybe it would be better if I were applying to graduate because it would bring some finality to this year and this degree. Just 6 more days to be strong.
Something that I don't like to admit is that I often lack confidence. This morning in Spanish (a class I typically perform well in) I choked, multiple times, even mumbled because I was unsure of my answers. I put so much pressure on myself to do well in that class now that I constantly stumble. I often feel like two different people: one who tries to come off as self-assured with friends and in groups and another who is terribly shy and afraid of making a mistake. I need to take more risks!
Tuesday, January 23
Attilio Berdusco Dec. 5 1929 - Jan. 21 2007
He was my mom's dad and my Nonno. He had seven younger brothers and sisters who really saw him as the head of their family. He had four other children and 11 grandchildren besides me.
I must say that being the oldest grandchild I probably had the opportunity to spend the most time with him and to know him the best. My grandfather was always hardworking and as a member of the Rotary Club he ran our local science fair for years and helped to organize the winter carnival. This year he was inducted into the hall of fame at his former university in Michigan. As a young engineer at the age of 26 he designed and oversaw the largest underground blast (at a mine in Northern Ontario) in the entire world. I didn't even know that until last year though and, while it makes me proud, that isn't why i loved my nonno.
--He used to sit on the edge of his bed and give my sister and I each a comb and some hair stuff and we would just go nuts doing his hair, making it stand straight up or twisting it and he would always look in the mirror and admire our work.
--One of my favourite things to do with him was feed the ducks. On a nice day we would get ready by filling grocery bags with popcorn and then drive down to bellevue park to spend all afternoon feeding the ducks and watching the deer.
--I love to learn. Even though he wasn't able to read well for the last three years he still gets a National Geographic subscription so that I could read them.
--He would always fill up an old pill jar with jelly beans when we would visit and let me pick out all of the orange jelly beans.
--He liked to cook and would often be up at 4am making pancakes or starting on dinner. We would have to try to distract him on Thanksgiving so that the turkey wouldn't end up in the oven 8 hours before dinner.
--He called me Katie-girl
I like country music (no this is not a side note) and a song by Randy Travis says "it's not what you take when you leave the world behind you, it's what you leave behind you when you go"
Now that my nonno is gone he has left a huge family that misses and loves him and a great deal of the community that has benefitted from some of the good work he has done.
I must say that being the oldest grandchild I probably had the opportunity to spend the most time with him and to know him the best. My grandfather was always hardworking and as a member of the Rotary Club he ran our local science fair for years and helped to organize the winter carnival. This year he was inducted into the hall of fame at his former university in Michigan. As a young engineer at the age of 26 he designed and oversaw the largest underground blast (at a mine in Northern Ontario) in the entire world. I didn't even know that until last year though and, while it makes me proud, that isn't why i loved my nonno.
--He used to sit on the edge of his bed and give my sister and I each a comb and some hair stuff and we would just go nuts doing his hair, making it stand straight up or twisting it and he would always look in the mirror and admire our work.
--One of my favourite things to do with him was feed the ducks. On a nice day we would get ready by filling grocery bags with popcorn and then drive down to bellevue park to spend all afternoon feeding the ducks and watching the deer.
--I love to learn. Even though he wasn't able to read well for the last three years he still gets a National Geographic subscription so that I could read them.
--He would always fill up an old pill jar with jelly beans when we would visit and let me pick out all of the orange jelly beans.
--He liked to cook and would often be up at 4am making pancakes or starting on dinner. We would have to try to distract him on Thanksgiving so that the turkey wouldn't end up in the oven 8 hours before dinner.
--He called me Katie-girl
I like country music (no this is not a side note) and a song by Randy Travis says "it's not what you take when you leave the world behind you, it's what you leave behind you when you go"
Now that my nonno is gone he has left a huge family that misses and loves him and a great deal of the community that has benefitted from some of the good work he has done.
Tuesday, January 9
Protestant Guilt
Being from a Catholic background I thought I was familiar with guilt. However, at least that guilt came with a clause whereby I could utter a few half-hearted hail mary's and be on with it (not meant to be an accurate depiction of the Catholic faith, just my own experience).
The last semester (or last 8 months I suppose) God and I took a little break from each other. It had come to the point where I couldn't remember what having faith felt like and I was tired of trying to reach God. I still had all of the head-knowledge but couldn't say whether I believed it. Strangely enough I can say that I believe that if there is a God then it is the Christian God and that Christ came to earth to save us from our sins but it really is true that knowing it intellectually isn't the same as knowing it 'in my heart'. It has taken some time but I can see that a large contributor to this time of disinterest in my faith stemmed from extreme guilt. This guilt was surrounded by performance guilt. Sharing my faith was not something to do because it changed my life so wholly that I could not help but tell others but out of obligation. Failure to do so with my family caused great distress, especially when I would go home and instead of focusing on improving my relationship with them and showing them God through my life I would be looking for chances to slip in the whole gospel but each time shying away.
Assurance of salvation, another concept that I could teach but not accept. The guilt of teaching it to others and even the shame of being involved but constantly doubting my own salvation made me ask God why he would give some the ability to accept this gift and not others.
Another confession: I dislike Christian literature. THe early Christians had the Bible and the teachings of elders and others but they didn't need to emmerse themselves in John Piper to make their faith relevant. But everyone is constantly reading all of these 'how to be more effective at sharing your faith' books and the guilt would set in because I didn't feel like I could be a good or productive Christian unless I got joy from reading these. I have so little time to read, what if I just want to learn about science and art and history too?
So I have taken a step back. I thought that I would just get over this lull and continue mostly where I had left off but that wouldn't have solved any of the questions I have or reassured me. God and I are starting to talk again, slowly. I am not going to actively seek to share my faith, I may not even yet refer to myself as a christian (should a christian not represent Christ? I do not wish to misrepresent him while I am seeking myself), I am not going to try to read books on evangelism or tithing or anything else except the Bible. I'll go to churh. I may not worship, I may. I am seeking a relationship with Christ. If and when this becomes a reality in my life, if and when I can say that I love Christ as my saviour (I never could say this, thus another source of guilt and questioning) then out of that love I will call myself a christian and I will share my faith with those around me.
Here goes the great experiment. I will be standing at the door, knocking.
The last semester (or last 8 months I suppose) God and I took a little break from each other. It had come to the point where I couldn't remember what having faith felt like and I was tired of trying to reach God. I still had all of the head-knowledge but couldn't say whether I believed it. Strangely enough I can say that I believe that if there is a God then it is the Christian God and that Christ came to earth to save us from our sins but it really is true that knowing it intellectually isn't the same as knowing it 'in my heart'. It has taken some time but I can see that a large contributor to this time of disinterest in my faith stemmed from extreme guilt. This guilt was surrounded by performance guilt. Sharing my faith was not something to do because it changed my life so wholly that I could not help but tell others but out of obligation. Failure to do so with my family caused great distress, especially when I would go home and instead of focusing on improving my relationship with them and showing them God through my life I would be looking for chances to slip in the whole gospel but each time shying away.
Assurance of salvation, another concept that I could teach but not accept. The guilt of teaching it to others and even the shame of being involved but constantly doubting my own salvation made me ask God why he would give some the ability to accept this gift and not others.
Another confession: I dislike Christian literature. THe early Christians had the Bible and the teachings of elders and others but they didn't need to emmerse themselves in John Piper to make their faith relevant. But everyone is constantly reading all of these 'how to be more effective at sharing your faith' books and the guilt would set in because I didn't feel like I could be a good or productive Christian unless I got joy from reading these. I have so little time to read, what if I just want to learn about science and art and history too?
So I have taken a step back. I thought that I would just get over this lull and continue mostly where I had left off but that wouldn't have solved any of the questions I have or reassured me. God and I are starting to talk again, slowly. I am not going to actively seek to share my faith, I may not even yet refer to myself as a christian (should a christian not represent Christ? I do not wish to misrepresent him while I am seeking myself), I am not going to try to read books on evangelism or tithing or anything else except the Bible. I'll go to churh. I may not worship, I may. I am seeking a relationship with Christ. If and when this becomes a reality in my life, if and when I can say that I love Christ as my saviour (I never could say this, thus another source of guilt and questioning) then out of that love I will call myself a christian and I will share my faith with those around me.
Here goes the great experiment. I will be standing at the door, knocking.
Saturday, December 9
Two year Bloggaversary
About this time two years ago is when I started my blog. It was born out of distraction and a need to heal my brain during exam times. Out of a possible (approx.) 740 opportunities to blog I have taken 127 of them. Not a bad ratio but I would aim to improve it.
One thing that has held me back quite a bit is that fine line between being honest and real and just giving away too darn much information. My whole life this semester has felt like it was hovering over that line and it was difficult because blogging is a release for me. I'm not a big fan of writing in a journal so this allows me to have some record of my life over the last few years and hopefully into the next few. But it has been horribly incomplete for the last few months because everything important i have been dealing with has been absent. There have been many great joke opportunities missed because of the somewhat sensitivity of the topic. Maybe it would be easier if I didn't know anyone who read my blog. Maybe I'm just tired of censoring myself. I can't decide. As many a blogger has asked, where is that line?
One thing that has held me back quite a bit is that fine line between being honest and real and just giving away too darn much information. My whole life this semester has felt like it was hovering over that line and it was difficult because blogging is a release for me. I'm not a big fan of writing in a journal so this allows me to have some record of my life over the last few years and hopefully into the next few. But it has been horribly incomplete for the last few months because everything important i have been dealing with has been absent. There have been many great joke opportunities missed because of the somewhat sensitivity of the topic. Maybe it would be easier if I didn't know anyone who read my blog. Maybe I'm just tired of censoring myself. I can't decide. As many a blogger has asked, where is that line?
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